Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A healing journey begins...
Just recently I realized how "stuck" my life is in grief. Past events, relationships with people that haven't been positive or were hurtful, disappointment in how life unfolded, health challenges, how I have hurt others... Thanks to God's faithfulness, He is at work to bring healing into my life that I may discover wholeness daily. And, while I haven't been an Oprah follower, I have appreciated her desire to share the stories of people's struggles in a manner that enables others to be helped in their own journeys. On her new network, several shows have aired that have impacted my life more than I could have imagined: The Judds, Addicted to Food and Why Not? Shania Twain (which is currently being aired). On Sunday, I look forward to Finding Sarah: From Royalty to the Real World. Why have so many in this generation become lost or been overwhelmed by life's circumstances? I have no answers, but I don't want to remain where I am in life. Now, to take a first step.
Last Thursday afternoon, I headed to Alki Beach to spend some time in thought. This is what I wrote in my journal...
Sitting upon the seawall at Alki beach; sunshine spilling onto my shoulders as foreboding clouds fill the sky to the north. This place that I've run to... a place to clear my head and think. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What work should my hands be busy with? Why is each day so difficult?
Questions fill my thoughts as the world continues to move forward. Ferries running to and fro, a pair of birds hunt for prey, a young puppy exhausted from his long walk stops to visit, children running and laughing, tourists with camera ready... A busy sight, a happy sight. Where do I fit it? And I wonder ~ how I will get along without a dog of my own, one day.
I've recently discovered I am stuck! Stuck in grief - things from the past (recent and long ago) that hold me captive. Nothing I could do to change my story, but I am sucked into a place of getting through each day, but not thriving and living fully each day. I'm trying to move forward, but my "wheels" just spin and spin, hoping to find traction. The screaming siren of an ambulance breaks into my thoughts...then a motorcycle and other traffic. My mind is easily distracted. Grief is a terrible thing to be stuck in and it takes great effort to throw it off! So thankful for Oprah's new network and airing Addicted to Food, The Judds, and Why Not? Shania Twain. So many people are affected by events and people in their lives and they become stuck. Just last night, I realized I have lived "the victim" role for so long. People have hurt me, wounds have not healed, health challenges followed, then food and muscle issues. I have caused pain in others' lives... A month ago, I started craniosacral treatment (which I highly recommend). Surprisingly to me - emotional issues arose in specific points in my body. These are chronic pain areas and I recognized that I have big issues to work through. Heal the emotions, heal the body.
My phone alarm goes off, once again, my thoughts are interrupted. While my mind doesn't want to stop - dinner preparations await at home; even as I munch on nuts and raisins - a constant companion these days instead of chocolate or cookies. On goes the container lid and back to the car to head home... Healing takes time and I will continue on this journey for as long as it takes.
I'm not looking for sympathy. The last thing I want is for others to feel sorry for me. I also don't plan to share "specifics" of what I'm dealing with on this journey. But, my hope is that sharing my challenges and my healing journey ~ one other person will be helped by my story. We all have a story to share. And, as we share our stories, we learn and grow and heal and learn to fully live. Oprah, thank you for sharing that message. Thank you, Lord, for sharing this message through others.
Goodbye Alki Beach, I'll be saying Hello often...