I have been trying to put together a "post move" blog post here and have struggled to deal with my emotions and in finding the words to share. Honestly, it's been a huge challenge for me... I miss my urban farm and, especially, my chicken girls. My heart has been truly sad.
And then, the storm hit and now my world looks like this...
How do I go about picking up the pieces and creating beauty in my life?
I have been trying to put on a "good face" for the world. You know ~
- Be Happy!
- Bloom where you are planted
- Seek the good wherever you are
etc, etc, etc. You know what I'm talking about.
Yes, there are really good things living in the Phinney Ridge/Greenwood neighborhood. Lots of coffee shops nearby (for Blaine), everything is convenient for Nicholas (school, work, church) and lots of places to walk (for Coco and I). As I prayed this summer (knowing we had to move and I hoped to find farm land to lease), I really believed that God was asking me/us to lay down our farm plans and move to the city. And, we received outside confirmation from a friend that knew nothing of what we were considering. We said yes and I embraced the "new adventure" ahead of us. I gave away our urban farm plants/supplies and re-homed our chicken girls. I shared about the journey and trial and correction that God was/is taking us through. I have tried to be "happy," but I have been quietly suffering and so completely sad that my identity is gone (urban farmer/chicken mama). I try to embrace the daily beauty around me and look past the rental house that doesn't meet 'our standards.' Fussing and complaining, but making myself praise God in the midst of it all. Why is this so hard for me and I'm constantly wrestling with living here, as we prayed and (supposedly) God directed us to where we are now living, right? Well, I am human and in this world there will be troubles.
This is what has been tumbling about in my thoughts lately:
Doesn't God know I don't belong in the city? Doesn't He know that I have wanted to be a farmer for as long as I can remember? Doesn't He know how hard this is for me? YES, He does. And, now that I've stop fussing and complaining for a moment (and couldn't be in our rental house on Monday due to chimney repair work and duct cleaning and sat at Golden Gardens Park for a few hours reading Joyce Meyer's Don't Give Up), He has my attention and was able to speak to me again...
So, instead of looking through the glasses of "it's not fair, etc" and seeing this:
Our bathroom "exhaust" fan, as mildew was already coming through the walls 2 weeks after we moved in. Now, I open the window and run the fan for hours a day to dry the room out - not sure what we'll do when the rainy season arrives...
Our electric fireplace (from our previous home) that helps heat the living room sitting next to the fireplace (the firebox was just rebuilt, as well as the chimney repaired).
Our dining room/storage area - this is the area we are trying to fit in as much as possible. Our bookcases, our former family room storage cabinets plus we have our pantry in here.
Perhaps you have one of these installed at your house or maybe you remember this from your Grandma's house. It's about 50 years old and so is the oil furnace in our rental house. (Some things you don't think to ask when renting a house...)
While the system is maintained and the ducts were just cleaned, we will only use the furnace if it's really freezing cold outside. Not a central heating supporter and the system is so small, the oil guy told us we can't close vents or it will put a strain on the really old furnace.
Plus, we have single pane aluminum windows - so bye bye heat! We've invested in double cell top down/bottom up cellular shades to help with insulation... (and so thankful God provided for us to do so.)
And, the landscaping has invasive weeds - bindweed, bittersweet nightshade plus an invasive groundcover, that plant nurseries used to sell, as well as lots of spiders, slugs and snails. I'll do some cleanup work, but need to seek God's leading for how much I invest in another's landscaping.
Okay ~ so this is some of my whining and complaining that was happening when I had to step away from the house and got to spend some time reflecting...
This is a great place to go to for reflection and quiet (wait - not the quiet part, as the trains constantly run by here during the day), but again, I must focus for I digress from my what I desire to share...
I was able to read the introduction and the first couple of chapters and my mind and heart and spirit were flooded with God's presence and anointing. It's like discovering that you were seriously dehydrated and someone brought you a thirst quenching glass of water...
I felt refreshed and encouraged by what I read.
And the very next morning, I discover this...
God Calling: October 22nd: Home-Building
You are building up an unshakable faith. Be furnishing the quiet places of your souls now.
Fill them with all that is harmonious and good, beautiful and enduring.
Home build in the Spirit now, and the waiting time will be well spent.
Grace for the Moment: October 22nd: A Crisp View of God
Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, you will keep me alive. Psalm 138:7
There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp You could see God so vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.
Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.
And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.
You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would He?
When you can't see Him, trust Him...Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed.
Suddenly, I realize - NOW - this season is not about where we live, it's about God. It's a time of healing, building, renewal and hope; a season of preparation for what is to come and yet, to be fully present and available to God today. I give thanks that God has brought me/us to a place where He desires to spend time with me and bring healing and hope and growth into my life.
The same day, two people's writing I value also posted powerful words that impacted my life.
Powerful words shared. I am so thankful for each of their hearts and their openness in sharing with others. Please click on their photos to go to their websites. You just might be glad you did.
And, in the end, you may discover joy right outside your back door. A place God enabled a flower to bloom where you thought flowers wouldn't bloom....
And then you know, just know, that God is working in your life despite your human weakness, failures and doubts... He is encouraging you to:
....and see the amazing and wondrous things He does in and through each of our lives!
Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6